As long as I can remember, I believed in God. I did not, however, grow up with much sense of Christ, which sounds odd given that my mother is Catholic and we went to church every Sunday. I knew facts about Jesus, superficially, and at around ten years old went through a bout of religious devotion, but it was only skin deep. In spite of my parents’ best efforts, by high school I was an arrogant teenager, leading what you’d politely call a secular lifestyle. Interestingly, I kept going to church, enjoying a sense of peace and probably knowing deep down that it was right to be there.

Williams was the first place I met people who took their faith seriously and tried to live it out in practice. First and foremost I am forever grateful for the friendship and witness of our Chaplain, Dr. Peter Feudo. Some of my best memories on campus were spent in the old Newman Room under Thompson Chapel, drinking hot chocolate and learning about the faith I professed on Sundays.

But while I felt drawn to Catholicism, kept going to Mass and even volunteered with the Newman Club, I lived an increasingly divided life. Somehow I rationalized acting against Church teachings on Saturday nights by pretending to be holy on Sunday afternoons.

But as we know from St. Matthew’s gospel, “no man can serve two masters,” and shortly after leaving Williams I hit bottom personally and spiritually. This was a dark time when I finally internalized the hurt I’d caused people who loved me and the hypocrisy of my divided life. There, at bottom, I turned to God, and sincerely asked for his help.

In the coming weeks, I made a good confession, started going to daily Mass and prayed a lot. I was still in touch with Dr. Feudo back in Williamstown, this time receiving his gentle guidance through emails and phone calls. I distinctly remember one day at another St. Pat’s (the one in NYC), when a particular hymn triggered a powerful feeling of God’s love. Not some intellectual insight, but a very real and personal love; that God loved me as a man, as his son, and had always loved me so. Afterwards I physically felt lighter, comforted; somehow forgiven, as if God had reached out and pulled me up bodily from the ground.

A few months later, I met an amazing woman, and from that first conversation I knew that I wanted to spend my life with her. After our first date, I hoped that she’d want the same with me. Since 2004 we’ve been blessed with a happy marriage and three wonderful children. I am profoundly grateful for and humbled by these incredible, totally undeserved gifts. In terms of vocation, my grandfather had a phrase that I’m now repeating to my kids, that “someday I will stand before the throne of God and give an account of my life; the most important question he will ask me will be whether I did my best as a husband and father.”

Sometimes I hear people speak about conversion and vocation as a sort of “one and done” thing, something than happens to you, after which the path is clear and well-marked. For me, this has been a process of opening my heart up to God, recognizing my brokenness and fears, and then trying to do his will.

I would tell the current students what I wish I had known when I was at Williams – you are not alone; it’s actually the complete opposite. You are profoundly loved by God and this is personified in Jesus. These aren’t mere words; it is the most important truth in our lives. Coming to grips with this truth is the central purpose of our lives. It’s also hard to love someone you don’t know. It’s even harder to love someone you are afraid of. Jesus is a Person, and if you want a relationship with him, like any relationship, you need to spend time together regularly.

Pray, go to Mass, read the Bible deeply; seek him. I’d also add that Coach Farley was generally correct when he said “nothing good ever happens after midnight.” Along those lines, beer comes in non-alcoholic. I’d also recommend keeping a crucifix visible in your dorm room. A few holy images and some holy water would be good too. Also trying fasting, and looking for a good spiritual director. Finally, there is Truth with a capital “T.”

Tell that Truth in everything – words and actions. Try not to get discouraged, don’t feel sorry for yourself, and never, ever despair. To close, I’ll share this great quote from Dorothy L. Sayers: “It is fatal to let people suppose that Christianity is only a mode of feeling; it is vitally necessary to insist that it is first and foremost a rational explanation of the universe.”

Class of 1999